i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
Randomize