I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
Randomize
