My sheets look like a crime scene.
the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
Randomize
