I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
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