The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
I wear drunk well.
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
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