did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
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