Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
All I remember is taking a bath, puking in the bath water numerous times while trying to wash myself and I must of eventually given up
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
Randomize
