i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize
