I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
they're both coked to the gills having a shouting match about the powers and abilities of godzilla. and using the wikipedia entry on the topic to support their respective arguments.
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
Randomize
