I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
Randomize
