oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
I dnt think she needs convincing on the threesome part, it's the threesome with your roommate situation that needs some work
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
Randomize
