when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
Randomize
