I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
Classy? Dude, she fucked 3 guys as part of a scavenger hunt
And?
she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
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