The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
the worst part is we had a camera rolling
Did his mom notice it when she saw u guys?
Yes.
I have to watch that.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
whoever decided snowing in 90 percent of campus on a night when the streets are flowing with tequila and skittles was clearly not an R.A.
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
Randomize
