i jus seen this fat chick walk buy look like she had don king coming out her arm pits..
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
