the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
