I mean i might have to drop this class tomorrow. I just walked into a midterm
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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