It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
Randomize
