Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
Randomize
