is it true that cum stays in you for 7 years?
that's gum
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
Randomize
