Your face is a jimmy john
It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
We need to either start getting drunk more often or one of us need to start doin drugs
Wtf? Why?
I want awesome conversations to show the world.
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
