Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
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