he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
ready for a night of bad decisions, horrible moral standards, and an unhealthy amount of illegal substances.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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