wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
Randomize
