Got some. In a truck. I will just pee you in the morning i guess?
My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
Randomize