god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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