he was CRYING into my vagina
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Randomize
