btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
I went with the blow up doll and I'm glad I did.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
