three words: i give head
three words: not that well
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
well I think it'll pretty much be gone by Saturday. On a scale of 1- Snooki's unborn child how much do periods freak you out?
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Randomize
