Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
Randomize