You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
I don't plan to be alive for 2010 so ima say this 12 hours early. Happy New Year bitches
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
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