I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
going to class early so i have time to go on the moonbounce. this is why i go to art school.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
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