So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Randomize
