so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
I fucked her on my hockey bag. it doesnt get any more Canadian than that.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
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