Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Randomize
