I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
sitting in the kitchen naked and eating stirfry, random dude left my room saying thanks and gave me a bottle of wine. explain...
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
He did a backflip because drugs
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
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