I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
Randomize