You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
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