How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
Who has the safety vest from this past weekend Additionally, who has the dancemaster glove?
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
