I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
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