What would you say if someone told you they liked your lips?
Which ones?
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Randomize
