Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
My booty call said shes done doing the walk of shame. Wtf is that?
It's what anyone that sleeps with you, specifically, does when they leave. Some do it even when they just think of you.
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
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