Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
Randomize
