Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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