I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Randomize
