Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
I licked your asshole in confidence.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
Instead of.being an intelligent and mature adult and dealing with my feelings I chose to get hammered and fuck flounder
Eh it happens
Randomize
