It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
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