Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
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