If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
Hmmm. I never knew the difference. I've done either one and had stronger or weaker versions but usually if i took enough, i tripped balls. That should be a PSA for kids... if you take drugs and the drugs are weak, just take more drugs... The More You Know
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize