I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
