your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
Randomize
