i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
