420 ftw
I am at the point in my high where i now know/understand chinese.
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
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