I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
I don't care if its bassically 3rd world. A country without a drinking age is a country without a drinking age.
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
Randomize
