He keeps looking? I tried to shag. I invited him to this table but he went to ze other one! If he shaves his 'tache I would totally hit it.
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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