I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
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