I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Randomize
