And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
she was licking his armpits.
asian porn is just fucking weird. End of story.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
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