I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
Randomize
