I think I kinda wanna bone that ginger from Harry Potter.
You literally just made my flesh crawl.
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
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