I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
I booty called her while she was in labor.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
Is it bad that I like to have a guy to flirt with in every class? I feel like it's excellent motivation: to shave, to shower and to show up.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
Randomize
