im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
to drive Frat boys away, one just needs to cat-call at them. It makes their masculinity weaker, and yours stronger.
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
Randomize
