If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
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