When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
walk of shame with early morning football tailgaters. niice.
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
