I just showed my boobs to our astate representative hahahahahahha
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Sorry about you walking in on the whole nude kinect dancing. The new roomie was drunk and naked and told us he was either over dressed or we were under dressed for the party. And Amy figured it would be easier to join him than it would be to dress him
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
