dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
Randomize
