I boned her and wore a Freddy mask once. It was pretty lol
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
Randomize
