Lol speaking of weird...he just sent me a naked pic of himself that said "meow" at the bottom.
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
Randomize
