I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
Randomize
