Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
Randomize
